Cry if you need to, she said.
Tonight, I am feeling kind of restless. I guess that is the best word to describe the unclear confusion and happy/sad mood spikes of emotion I am feeling.
I know I should be happy. I finally got what I wanted most of all in the past several months. A job. Well partially.
Maybe that is part of it. Maybe I am just still partially worried that my partial paycheck isn't quite enough and instead of stressing about it and stepping up to the plate, I am taking the easy way out by just living on my not-gonna-last-forever financial cushion. Is that so wrong?
On one hand, I feel as though that is the right thing to do for now. I mean I do have an ailing mother who I am trying my damnedest to care for. And, I do have a life I am still trying live as much as possible with all the other duties I have on my plate. So why not just work part-time and make up the monetary difference with the chunk of change I have lying in a bank account? I mean, after all, I can't take it with me.
Then, on the other hand, I can't help but feel that I am not giving my all. That I am not trying to excel. That I am not trying. That I am just livin' L-I-V-I-N. I say this, knowing the back of my head that the job market is shit and I am blessed enough to even have just a part time job with the economy on the fritz.
IDK.
Maybe I am just going through some crazy hormonal hell (as Sabrina suggested) and all these thoughts are just the inner-rantings of a single, plus size, partially employed, random maniac (or pyscho as Sabrina has also suggested) with a minor case of OCD, a slight case of ADD and major case of dutiful daughter syndrome.
Either way, I wish I could cry.